I spent a birthday staycation with my long distance baby pie suga lumps! It was so good! Saying goodbye yesterday, still equally hurts today 😔 but the things he did with and for me were what people either have never experienced before, or because they don’t think they are ever worthy of that kinda love. Or both because you are reading this because you are like me. This man has made me know I’ve never been in love. I’ve loved people, but they don’t usually love me back. They ain’t nobody.

What’s happening in the pic above, he was helping me get dressed and my body can’t be stable for anything, and when I fall it’s usually faster than one can blink. My body slipped in that tiny space, like mail can slip through a mail slot. No one was hurt during this stunt, and I’m the one who told him to get out his camera because this is something no one would believe unless they saw it. I came out unscathed.

I’d like to stress how important it is to find a partner that makes you feel safe to ask for help. There’s many days where he loves me more than I love me. How he “convinces” me that it’s okay to need help, is a just says it’s part of life. And it snaps me back into the present. My life with Friedrich’s Ataxia makes me unable to do this life in a conventional way, but there’s still real life things I have to do.

Recently he’s made me realize how in survival mode I’ve been in. I don’t wanna be him, but his routines like going to the gym everyday and making his bed make me remember I was like that once too. How I’ve shrunken myself into survival mode so hard that I don’t know what makes me happy in a day. When I was with him, I rarely thought of my disability as a personality trait. Which was nice. I want that everyday.

My goal this month is to think of these things everyday…

• What makes me laugh?
• What makes me curious?
• What makes me feel beautiful?
• What makes me feel peaceful?

If I was open enough to receive his love, I know I can receive my own.

I challenge myself to do one thing every day that future Courtney won’t remember because it was productive—but because it made life feel good.

Challenge accepted 😉

Courtney 😂